Do I rub you the wrong way?
22 Sep 2012 Leave a comment
06 Aug 2012 Leave a comment
Today, I got up at 6:15am and went back to sleep awaiting the alarm to go off. At 6:25 I decided to check it and see how much more sleep I had to go, and wow, I forgot to set the time for my run! Every step was indecision this morning. My clothes, I was stressed cause my pants were tight and my shirt was wrinkled and everything was just getting on my nerves. I forgot my wedding ring so I had to go back and get it and got to the track late at about 7:15. I felt like I was a whiny little kid again, dragging my feet every step along the way, you know the toe drag, the one that used to mess up your shoes when you were little. Yeah that was me this morning. But I walked on to the track anyhow. Little did I know the battle that was about to take place! Every step was heavy, every breath forced and not only my body but my mind was all over the place! Ugh I wanted to just run off the track into my car and never come back! But I cast down the thoughts, although they kept coming back!
4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, – 2 Corinthians 10:4-5
And then I remembered the barbecue food I had eaten yesterday, all the cans of soda I drank, the yummy golden OREOS. The food that was supposed to turn into fuel in my body was WORKING AGAINST ME! And then I remembered the hilariously funny movie that I watched yesterday that wasn’t exactly censored, the curse words that I had just ignored because of the funny parts of the movie. Um yup, open door to my mind so I was battling in my mind! So the demons of what I had done this weekend came back to haunt me Monday morning on the track field!! And I then I got out my WORD! I reminded myself what God’s Word says about me, that I’m MORE THAN AN OVERCOMER in Christ Jesus.
37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. – Romans 8:37
That means that I’ve ALREADY OVER COME the track field. Did that, check. And I’m MORE than even just that. And that one word is HUGE. But I’m MORE THAN THAT. And my legs might have forgotten it, but I reminded them. My body had to be reminded this morning who GOD SAYS I AM. Not who I used to be!! Yes I was never ALL STAR at TRACK. Yes, I was never ALL STAR at anything, because the old me hated sports. BUT THAT WAS BEFORE JESUS! When he died on the cross for me, in that moment, breaking the chasm of time, all that I was before DIED too! And I became new, washed fresh and clean. No longer just a marathon shopper, my body COULD AND WOULD handle more than that! No longer was I going to go through lethargy. NO MORE! I was going to walk, I was going to RUN! I was FREE! And I had been given authority in Christ Jesus to trample the heads of serpents and scorpions and so every step was that – exorcising the demons of my weekend of gluttony and indulgence.
19 Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you. – Luke 10:19
06 Aug 2012 Leave a comment
So this morning, I took to the track again. Monday morning, week 2 in my “MY BODY IS THE TEMPLE CHALLENGE”. God is still defining the challenge for me, so when I get more specifics on all of it, I will write a post on that. But so far, here’s the deal, for years I dealt with depression in my life. And since I found Christ, I’ve been healed and freed of that, praise God! But there are times when I feel like my BODY still didn’t know that I had been REDEEMED yet. My body had been redeemed/ changed/ transformed just like the rest of me, but for some reason, it just hadn’t gotten the MESSAGE yet. Or perhaps it was me that hadn’t gotten the message yet.
So there were days I would get EXTREMELY fatigued, EXTREMELY. And be unable to do a thing but just sit on the sofa and pray to get my energy back to wash the dishes or to clean the bathroom or do the laundry or SOMETHING, ANYTHING EXCEPT just sitting! That was until Pastor Phil Hernandez came to visit our church a couple of weeks back. He spoke about God’s will for our lives and our health, among other things. His sermon was amazing; there were so many little intertwined points from the beginning to the end, truly a God thing only. He spoke about how about after 30some? Years of struggling and BATTLING with ASTHMA he got sick of it! He knew it wasn’t God’s will for his life. And he began to pray DIFFERENTLY!
The Answered Prayer
12 “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. 13 And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 If you ask[c] anything in My name, I will do it. – JOHN 14:12-14
He began to walk in his healing. And he was healed. To this day, he’s been ASTHMA-FREE for three years! In that moment, I remembered the lethargy that would grip me up from time to time and I knew that WASN’T God’s will for me!! And I remembered the ASTHMA that had been attacking me recently, especially during dance, and I KNEW that WASN’T God’s will for me! But it wasn’t going to just go away! I was going to have to fight for my healing! I was going to have to take those steps.
Well not only was running going to change my body, but it was going to fine-tune this weapon that the Lord was creating of my body. It was going to build up my endurance for dance, one of the things that I LOVE to do for the Lord. So there were so many aspects of it that screamed to me that it needed to GET DONE! So the next week, bright and early, I awoke at 6:30am and headed out to the track to meet up with some of the sisters from church. Now I will be truthful, I was very hesitant about running with them, I mean they had been running for weeks, they were practically marathon run-worthy and here I was this weak-winded wannabe runner. That first day they taught me the rules of the track, praise God for that because I was all over the place. And they pushed me and challenged me. So that week I ran/walked 3 times at the track and once around the neighborhood near my house.
Everyday pushing myself further then I had ever been, further than I had ever been able to do. This time for me, it’s different. My goal isn’t to get toned for a bikini ready vacation body. The PURPOSE behind it is to honor this TEMPLE of the Lord that God has given me. It’s to take my health back into my hands. It’s to increase my endurance, my lung capacity, my breathing so that my dance will be more powerful. So follow me along this new journey of my physical rebirth. I’m going to write about it here, the good, the bad and the ugly of being physically restored to the place that God intends me to be.
13 Jul 2012 Leave a comment
Seriously you need SUPERhuman strength to fulfill the roles of wife and mother. It sounds so easy but its SO much more than that. Im the maid, chauffer, cook, triage nurse, laundry person, bath regulator (yes i gotta regulate that too lol), lost item finder, last minute costume creator, trip chaperone, classroom volunteer, medicine administrator, secretary scheduler, mail opener, coupon clipper, house organizer, closet end of season overhauler, official trip packer, photographer, grocery shopper, home decorator, and yes i do windows too, sale researcher, nail clipper (toe nails too), professional fly exterminator, emergency lotion brush hand sanitizer carrying, big purse toting, and the list goes on…
Weird thing is, i wouldnt trade it for the world! I love my husband and my kids and am so blessed every day by the little things like today when Carina drew me a picture of two hearts just “to celebrate me”. Yup she said she didnt get to celebrate me enough. Or when my boys carry all the groceries in for me. Or just any day. I get to see these amazing miracles, blessings of God walking around and growing into themselves each and every day.
Yes its hard work, and yes sometimes i need a break. But i am blessed!
Sometimes its so easy to forget that real love is more than a metaphir or some made up fairy tale. Real love is sacrificial. Real love is an action verb. Not a mear emotion like happy or sad. And real love is a choice every day. Yesterday i might have failed in a few areas but every day we are given a new fresh chance to love and to start again!
Oh Lord Im praying today as i write to be so OVERFLOWING with your love that all i can bear to do is love others! I want to be that Proverbs 31 wife and mother not just in my home but to everyone that i encounter! Make me like you Lord!
16 Jun 2012 Leave a comment
If even Jesus came to this world to serve others, how could I expect to not serve? How could I expect not to give? How could I expect not to pour myself out?
the amazing part about it, is the more that I serve others, the more I’m seeking Him and the closer He is to me. I don’t understand it, but God I love it!
15 Jun 2012 Leave a comment
So any of those who know me, pretty much know how much I’ve struggled to be that Proverbs 31 wife and mother. Proverbs 31 always seemed like this amazingly unattainable goal. Was she even real anyway or was she just a fairy tale? But how could I even question if she was a fairy tale? She could be a picture of so many mothers! Well maybe not today, but 20 years ago, yes. 30/40 years ago definitely she may have been any woman. And every time I look at my mother in law, I see Proverbs 31 breathed all over her as she cooks, cleans, does, and does more.
But what’s happened over the past few decades? Why do we even question whether Proverbs 31 is a fairytale? I’m not sure, but I do know that over time we’ve become much more SELF involved. Much more demanding of SELF gratification and our own needs. When did it all happen though? When did our SELVES become so much more important than those around us? Even our own children? We see it in the news every day, mothers being charged with abuse, neglect. Or just being too busy wrapped up in their own worlds to be there for their children.
But amazingly enough, this was me. Just a little over 3 years ago, I was that woman, so involved in my career that my husband, children, the world was going to wait for me and my needs to be met first. But that was until GOD got a hold of me. When I was laid off from my job, my world fell apart, but JESUS came and helped me pick up the pieces. I was lost, broken and now I’m found and healed. I’m still a work in progress, so far from perfect but it’s okay because I carry Jesus’ perfection in my heart with me every day, there’s no need for me to strive for perfection when it’s something He attained for me…
So today, I’m just sitting reflecting on how work in the house, cleaning, laundry was such a stretch for me then, but today wow! I seek him in the midst of it all and oh but HE SPEAKS to me! He speaks to me clearly as my arms are elbow deep in suds in the kitchen. I hear His voice as I scrub the tub and as I’m folding the laundry. And I put HIM first. I don’t want my own needs filled first anymore. I want to fill HIS needs first. and so I put my self-serving ways down and I pick up a towel and walk, and in comes His JOY, His LOVE, His Peace.
So that’s it for now, I’m off to go seek that one-on-one time in His presence while I clean the bathroom, do the floors, and laundry. Thank you Lord!
02 Jun 2012 Leave a comment
26 Apr 2012 Leave a comment
words bubble up
jumble in my heart / stuck in my chest
dying to break the surface
come out in burbling spurts
chunks of deep dark past / pieces of new good present
broken / restored
heart sick/ healed
tears that I used to cry for myself / now I cry for others
trapped / escaped and free
am I really what you say I am?
can I really do what you said I can do?
fitting together to make a picture I’ve never seen
but that You painted of my life before I was born
every single thing working together to create
this beautiful tapestry of my life
using the pain / using the hurt
letting it go
been forgiven / so I’ve forgiven
been forgiven / so I forgive
was loved first / so i love
harder /stronger /fiercer than ever before
propelled into today by yesterday
waiting for tomorrow with expectancy
thankful for what was, what is and what’s to come
and I am
12 Apr 2012 Leave a comment
Born and raised a book worm. Groomed early by my father who took my sister and I on wondrous treks to the local library when we were little and on Saturdays took us to our most coveted spot of all – the main Library in Center City. The building was old and had a huge marble stair case. The children’s section was tucked away in a beautiful basement nook. Much more than a nook because the space was immense and the options for reading seemed endless to me at that time. It’s weird, I can almost picture my dad, the young professional dad wearing his fro shaped low holding my sister and my hand’s. Both of us wearing long pig tailed braids, with a straight part in the middle, just the way my mom liked to do our hair. striped shirts, shorts and sneakers. Skipping along side my dad as he made up some fantastical game to play on the way to the library. He was always great at that. At taking nothing and making it something amazing and fun. A walk that could have been long and hot was one of the best things we did with him.
I didn’t know it then but my dad was planting seeds in us. Seeds of a love of reading and learning. And since then I’ve loved books always being able to escape whatever surroundings I was in to immerse myself in worlds far away and detached from my own. As a young child I devoured books easily reading probably about 150 books per year. As I got older, my trips to the library became less frequent as the books became longer that I read and held me over longer. But there have been plenty a night that I’ve stayed awake until 3 or 4am, unable to go to sleep until I finished the current amazing page turner that I had in my hands.
With motherhood came change, diapers and potty training and work and school was so hard for me to juggle the necessary requirements to my life that reading became a luxury I could no longer afford. My time being too precious and reserved for so many others. But that was then and now today, we’re past the pampers, past the potty training and none of my children are actively trying to pry electrical outlet coverings to stick little pudgy fingers into. They just don’t. So time has come again.
And with that time has come books! But the books that I read now are different. No longer seeking to escape from reality, but choosing to embrace reality. I have this amazing love and passion for God who has healed me from so much in my life. And I seek him even in books! So every year long, every day there is one book that you will find me reading — the Bible. I’ve actually never read anything like it. Every single time that I sit down to read it I find out something new about God and about myself. About how much He loves me, about the depths that He will go to, about how much He waits for us, how He longs for us! It’s life, heart and spirit changing stuff!
So as I sat thinking about how many books I read per year, I thought wow, born a book worm, I never thought I would ever find a book that I couldn’t devour in under a week or two. But I’ve found one that I can devour for the rest of my life over and over again! And what joy!
thats all for now,
I’ll be where I’m at reading to the day I die,
yours In His eternal love,
08 Jun 2011 Leave a comment
While your back is turned
You sit exposed drowning in thought
Sorrow over pain that was inflicted on you decades ago
Your children walk alone
And experience old hurts to You
On their innocent skin
Motherhood lost to indulgence in
artificial false escapes
inhaled into you lungs to appease the cries of you
Your own cries
sit Lost in the dark
drowning the cries of your children
your children wander alone searching for You
this is a poem I wrote one day on my blackberry while driving through the streets of North Philly… the pain of children needing their mothers who were so lost in their own isolated worlds of pain almost choked me… it was so thick. the urge to cry to shake the mothers out of their own sorrow and awaken them. Instead I wrote this poem and offered silent prayers up to Heaven…