Last Night I Drowned in my Sleep…

I had a dream last night that I was picnicking at a park with my family. We were sitting on an embankment of a lake. My husband had taken the kids canoeing. The lake was surrounded by trees. And the water in the lake, was murky and brown, as if it were muddy. My husband came out of the canoe, but I think he left something in the canoe that I wanted to reach over and pull out. So I walked to the edge and reached over and somehow I fell in. All of a sudden I was surrounded by the water. And it was so murky, I could feel myself falling. I could hear my aunt screaming that I had fallen in telling my husband to save me, but he didn’t come. I looked around to save myself. I had to find the light and swim in the direction of the light, but the light was below me and I was confused. I was suspended. I wasn’t sure if I was upside down or not. I was surprisingly calm especially when I realized that I could breathe shallowly in the water. But it came to me then that I was going to die. And I relaxed and let myself go.

The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and I was still breathing shallowly, I had awoken from the dream in the bed in my room at my mother’s house. It was my old bed and it was positioned where it was probably about 15 years ago when I was living there. And I realized I was okay. So I got up and left and went to visit an old friend. While I was at her house, I had set up my art collection on a series of shelves. It’s a collection that I don’t even own, but I did in my dream and I was proud of it. But my friend was disgusted by it. She felt it was pornography of some sort and didn’t want to see it. I remember being surprised, and embarrassed, so I gathered all of it together to put away. I don’t remember what was in the collection, except for one doll head. The kind that stands up on the table and you can brush their hair. Later, I woke up and remembered the dream and thought how odd it was that I accepted death in my dream, only to wake up from the dream (in my dream and realize it was a dream) and continue dreaming. So weird. Anyhow, I looked up certain things from the dream dictionary and put them here, the ones that were petinent to my dream. It’s crazy, but I think all the answers are here in what I found in the dream dictionary. What do you think this means?

Canoe
To see or sit in a canoe in your dream represents serenity, simplicity and independence. It is also a reflection of your emotional balance. You are moving ahead thanks to your own power and determination.


Drowning
Drowning in a dream signifies you can no longer hide your feelings about a certain situation. These dreams usually occur when the dreamer is feeling overwhelmed in real life.

Death
Dreams about death are not necessarily bad omens, but they usually represent anxious or angry feelings. To dream of your own death is actually positive – it means renewal and letting go of an old stage of life. This is also a common dream when you are getting over an illness – and it’s a good sign that you are getting better. However, if you dream that you are dying slowly, you need to drastically change your routine and reenergize your life.

Water
Water is the universal symbol for emotions. How water looks and behaves in a dream is very significant. Here are some meanings for different water dreams: Rising water indicates rising emotions. Turbulent, choppy waters, in which a dreamer fears being swamped or drowning, symbolizes that you are being overwhelmed emotionally. Cloudy water suggests lack of emotional clarity. If you dream that you are able to breathe underwater, you are open to unconscious feelings and psychic awarenesses.

Lake
To see a lake in your dream signifies your emotional state of mind. If the lake is clear and calm, it symbolizes your inner peace. If the lake is disturbed and wavy, then you may be going through some emotional turmoil.

Trees
Lush green trees in your dreams symbolize new hopes, growth and desires.

Rescue
Being rescued from danger in a dream means you may need to end an unhealthy relationship or situation in your life

Waking Up
If you dream of waking up while still dreaming, you have a creative nature and are open to new ideas.

Doll
Dreaming of a doll means someone is being dishonest with you in real life.

Doll House
To see or play with a dollhouse in your dream symbolizes your idealistic notions about family life. Alternatively, the dollhouse in your dream may mean that your mind is trying to solve and work out waking problems with family members as you sleep

Pornography
Often, this dream is also symbolic of your fear about exposing some aspect of yourself. For all dreams involving pornography: if your dream was upsetting or unpleasant in any way, it signifies that you need to feel more in control of your own sexuality and romantic life. Don’t let yourself be pressured by any person or by society.

Reincarnated for love…

Have you ever thought that maybe you lived another life before this one? You, but a different you? In a different place, different time, different situations..? I’ve always been intrigued by the concept of reincarnation. Did I ever have another life before this one? If so, what was it? What was I like? Who was I? Was a man? Was I a woman? Well, I have certain fears in this life that are really unfounded, so maybe it could be related to another life right? My fear of the dark and being attacked? Could that be a memory of a past trauma? Anyhow, so today I get on this kick that I’m going to research this whole theory. So I spent a little time on it and read some other people’s memories of past lives. It was very interesting. And I did a search and there are some groups on facebook that are devoted to the subject. The whole purpose of reincarnation, I think is to keep on developing spiritually. If you mess up with something in one life, in the next you might have to be on the other side of the coin to learn from a different perspective. The abuser becomes the abused and so on. Until eventually maybe you earn the right of heaven? Not sure, but it led me to wonder, how could any possible lives that I might have had correlate with my life now? And I think I’ve come up with it. In this life, I’ve been given the cross to bear of unrequited love. So I guess in another life I must have been a womanizer and really broken some hearts. Cause this life, I’ve really gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to love.

Random Thoughts that Stick in my Mind…

So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged and it still feels weird doing it here. I’m not sure why, maybe because it’s different. For those of you who didn’t know, I had my tubes tied on Friday. A tubal ligation actually is the name. And I’m still recupperating. It hasn’t been that bad, but it could have been easier. Ever since, I’ve been kind of sad. Just knowing that I can’t ever have any more children, no more babies for me. It makes me feel sad. Not that I want another one, mind you. i don’t want to be pregnant again. Who would want that? The fat hot hungry misery of pregnancy… You see these women on TV and they speak of pregnancy like it’s art, some miraculous Mona Lisa hanging on the the wall. But it’s nothing like that at all. It’s like having an alien come and set up residence inside of you for 10 months and then at the end you’re hazed into infant boot camp through a tortoruous delivery of some type. So, that’s the furthest thing from my mind. Who would want that? So then why does it make me so sad knowing I will NEVER have it again? Ugh. Sometimes I exasperate myself with my thoughts.

So just yesterday, as I was driving back home to relax after I dropped off the kids the weirdest thing happened. Standing at the corner, waiting for the bus, was my 1st boyfriend ever. His name was Luis. And he looked just the same, but older. Same haircut, everything. I stared at him and inched my car closer so that I could get a better look. It was him. But he was a lane away from me, so conversation was impossible. As I was pulling away, he saw me and stepped out to get a better look at me and my heart dropped. I kept on going. What would I have said to him? Should I have given him a ride? Should I just have thanked my lucky stars that I wasn’t still with him and standing next to him on that bus stop as I did? I don’t know. But it made me think. Not of endless love, but of puppy love, and letters, and poems and sweetnesses that was our relationship. I can’t help but think that I missed my chance. For what I don’t know. I guess to be nosey and find out what he was, how many kids he had, was he married. Yeah I guess that’s it. I wanted to know about him today. But I missed the chance, cause the light turned green and I just kept on going. Anyhow, I’m leaving early to go home and rest. Just a bit of my random thoughts today. Hope you enjoyed the window into my mind.

a hole

Shattered memories.
Glimpses of the past as we make love
Silent stares
Endless silence
Confusion
Love untold
You kissing me
Me kissing you
You kissing her
Pieces of me slip away
Replaced by steel
You fuck me
I fuck you
You fuck her
I lie alone
Embracing you in my dreams
Once upon a time
Happily ever after you promised me
You promised ME
There is a hole in my chest
A burning hole
It shoots live fire through me
Your words burned in my mind forever
Your face so terrible
Who are you?
Where is he?
The man who promised me happilty ever after?
He’s gone
And now all I’m left with is a fucking hole
And words that run through my mind
If you would have known him then you would have believed too
Really believed.
eternity endured
Ever after is here and happily long gone.
pennies tarnish over time
At least I have my hole
I guess