Quotes

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

– Maya Angelou (1928-)

I love Maya Angelou quotes. I swear I could probably keep my blog going just by quoting one of her lines a day… And I'd be content…

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Love on a Plane

So what would life be like if all parents could put their children on a plane somewhere when they got tired?  An American woman recently took her adopted Russian 7 year old son and did just that.  She had enough of his violence and his threats and I guess his unwillingness to love and be loved.  I don’t know why, but I really can’t understand how someone could take on years of adoption forms, visits, processes, clearances, passports, visas… I mean really how could you do all of that, and then just decide one day that this family that you’ve created through your own blood, sweat and tears — that it’s not a family? 

This society has begun to believe that things that are meant to be forever, no longer are or have to be.  Marriages can now be ended in a few short months with divorces.  And most aren’t even really marrying anymore, just moving in together to make inevitable breakups easier and less complicated.  But now parents can just stop being parents?  They can essentially divorce their children?  Where does it end really?  Where will it all end?  What kind of children will we be raising that won’t even know the security of a family? The one place you are supposed to be able to always feel that unconditional love and security. 

Do you know what it would take for me to put my own child on a plane and just give them away?  I could never do that.  Granted, I gave birth to all of my children, we bonded at birth. But I wouldn’t even send my adopted cat back to the shelter where I got her on a bus.  I couldn’t even treat her like that.  How can you do that an innocent child?  I wonder where the adoption agency was during the whole time that he’s been here.  Did they step in?  Did they offer support?  Did the family get counseling?  It just seems to me that Americans are falling “in like” with adopting foreign children.  It’s the new thing now.  Everyone’s doing it.  Made popular by Angelina Jolie and Madonna and other celebrities.  It looks great in pictures.  But in reality, it’s a child.  Not a purse.  Not an accessory.  Not a prop.  Its a CHILD. 

And children come with issues, with problems, with the unexpected… bad dreams, wet beds, stomach viruses that leave you sopping up vomit at 3am.  But as a parent you have to be willing to LOVE and LOVE and LOVE.  Get a counselor, see a therapist, seek a  professional.  Just don’t give up.  They are our future, this world.  And if you aren’t ready for that committment, that forever committment, then you’re better off going to animal shelter to adopt a pet.

The 3 Day Breast Cancer Walk Philadelphia

So what can I say about the 3 Day Breast Cancer Walk in Philadelphia?  I had such high hopes and expectations for the weekend.  A journey of 60 miles.  A chance to make a difference!  To raise money to find A CURE!  I signed up for the challenge in January of this year. 

It was a walk 10 months in the planning.  Months of meetings, fundraising, planning, training, tears, loss, hope with our small team called the Pink Bees.    



I had pinned so much on the walk.  I thought that during the walk I would feel Melody there with me, her presence somehow.  After all of the planning, all of the equipment, the packing, the making plans for babysitters – the day before the walk, a Noreaster blew in and they canceled the first day of the walk, Friday.  Shortly thereafter they canceled the 2nd day of the walk, Saturday, as well.  And then we were left with one day, Sunday – just 15 miles.
 


On Sunday, we were so excited, the day had finally arrived!  Shortly after we arrived at the walk, I was briefly overcome with emotion when my team mates and I lined up at the start of the walk.  I had registered so many long months before to inspire Melody, but after she passed away in the end of May, I was now walking in her memory. And all of the months of preparation and holding off of tears, it all had culminated to that moment.  As far as we could see in front of us were a sea of pink bunny rabbit Energizer bunny ears.



The walk was difficult, after all it was cold and rainy but I know none of it compared to anything that Melody had gone through in the 8 years of the fight for her life.


It will be 5 months since she’s been gone on the 27th and it still feels like a punch in the stomach every time I remember that she is actually gone. I don’t know if I thought I would catch a glimpse of her along the way or really actually feel her but none of that happened. And I went home and felt so disappointed and my loss felt so much more real. I actually feel selfish thinking about myself, because my loss is nothing compared to her son’s, her mother’s, or her father’s. Now theirs is a loss that I don’t even want to begin to imagine. 



All in all, I was pretty uninspired by the 3 Day.  From the 2 canceled days, the disorganized chaos of the day, to the rain and the mud.  I knew it wasn’t going to be perfect and I was looking forward to it really kicking my butt.  But I think the biggest disappointment was not seeing her at the end.  And that’s something the 3 Day never could have given us.  But for some strange reason I almost expected it. 



To make up for the upset that all the Philadelphia walkers felt, we were given the option to walk in any other walk in any other city in the US through the remainder of this year.  But for me, I would then need to fork out money for travel and babysitters again and being recently unemployed, that’s not really an option for me.  We also were told that our $90 registration fee would be waived for next year if we wanted to participate again next year.  But we’ll again have to raise the $2300+ per person to walk in the walk.  So although the walk was for a wonderful cause and it felt good to be there and to have contributed to the over $8 million raised by the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk Philadelphia, all in all it was a real let down to me.  I hope Melody is proud of me anyhow.  I know I’m definitely proud of her, probably more than ever now.  And I still miss and love her so much.  I’ll have to find other ways to honor her memory going forward. 

Time in a Cocoon

 I’ve been thinking again about blogging and have been wanting to pick it back up. Not to continue my diatribes on my relationship, but to talk about LIFE, my LIFE to be more exact. Life as a Latina in 2009. Today. While President Obama is in the White House. And the first Latina ever has been elected to the Supreme Court – Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotomayor. I’m living right now amidst change! My life every day is in a changing world. And if we don’t stop to smell the flowers, and appreciate that, sometimes it can slip right by you without even having noticed it. It’s been a while that I’ve been searching for some place on line that I could come to. Some place where women are like me. American Latinas, caught in the center of 2 completely different worlds and struggling to maintain their place in those worlds. I still haven’t found that blog, that website that is by Latinas for Latinas and that answers all of those questions. So I decided that this will be the place. It will be a place for me to bare my soul or to not bare my soul to the world. To talk about cooking, struggles, with weight, sex, work, marriage, children, family. Everything.

The Wedding Dress I lost…

Today I was digging through boxes in the garage looking for clothing. Clothing that had been boxed away that have finally begun to fit me again. Expanding my tiny wardrobe and I came across it. In a huge box, crumpled beneath layers of dresses was my wedding dress. Wrinkled and cold and long forgotten. Not delicately placed but tossed inside the box to later leave me questioning, “what did I do with my wedding dress?”

I’d repurposed it in the past. My mother had always kept her wedding dress sealed in a special air tight container just in case one day my sister or I could use it on our wedding days. But, my sister didn’t like it and it never would have fit me. So trapped it stayed in its’ cardboard shrine. No, my dress was not to be enshrined. I read a magazine article once about a table cover that had been made out of an old prom dress that was bought in a second hand store. I thought it a lovely idea. So I covered my hall table with it for a while and it gave it a fantastic touch. One day though, amidst my moves, I had boxed it up along with some others and forgot about it. Today, I pulled and tugged and dragged that huge monster box inside. I found things that I had forgotten and missed. My paddle that I wore as a neophyte in my sorority, that I had made myself. Shoes without mates.

I have come so far, but it seems just full circle. Back where I started when I used to have that dress on the side table on the top of the stairs in my own little town house. I gave up my freedom then because of fear. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid that I couldn’t do it on my own. But my fear dragged me down deeper and deeper into the depths. Until I broke away again, only to return once more. And so here I am, here I sit. Here I stand. Here I wash, here I clean. Here I am in this house. In this place. In this marriage once more. But how could one ever expect to have a full blossoming apple tree if the seeds were planted on rocky ground… If the roots were never able to grab hold, how can the tree nourish itself and grow? One has to take that tree and find another soil that is fertile and replant that tree. Nourish it, love it, water it and watch the transformation and growth unfold. That tree is me. I am replanting myself. I want to grow. I want to change. I want to be the best me that I never even dreamed I could be. with all my fruit nearby me. 🙂 

Interested in repurposing your wedding dress?  Take a look at this article for ideas on things you can do with your dress instead of shoving it in a box or giving it away.

What Really Happened Last Night in my room…

So I had a weird dream again last night. I almost hesitate to write about this one because of the recurring theme. Unfortunately, I can’t remember as much as I did the last time, with my last dream that I wrote of here. I just remember being shocked by it when I awoke and quickly replaying it in my mind. That usually helps the dream stick some in my mind.

So it was a long dream, and I only remember these bits and pieces. I just remember running away and it was my husband that was chasing me. He wanted to kill me. I remember running in some big huge ditch over dirt and mud. I jumped in an SUV, I think it was his car and I was driving away, but he climbed in through the back window. I remember trying to get away. Then the next thing I remember we were in some sort of a room. And this was it. I had a gun and someone next to me handed me bullets and told me to load it and shoot him. I had never done it before, and they offered to help, but I for some strange reason wanted to do it on my own, I wanted to learn now. So I started pushing the bullets in, but it was really a roll of quarters. But I kept pushing them in anyhow. I tried to shoot the gun, but it didn’t go off. I had loaded it incorrectly somehow. Then I looked at my husband. He was sitting behind a desk. He opened the zipper of his pants and pulled out an oozie from his pants. And he shot me twice in the stomach. I didn’t feel pain. But I knew I was shot. And that’s all I can remember. Kind of weird though that he pulled the shot gun from his pants.

So I went to my online dream dictionary and pulled up all of the references that I relate to my dream and have included them here. Why do I keep having these dreams with this theme of me, my husband and death? This is starting to bother me.

Killer
To see a killer commit murder in your dream, foretells sadness caused by the misdeeds of others. To dream that you are killed or being chased by a killer, foretells that enemies are working against you.

Murder
If you dream of witnessing a murder in your dream, it forewarns that someone will do something that upsets or saddens you. Dreaming that you are murdered by someone means you have rivals who are secretly conspiring against you. Also see “Murderer”, below

Murderer
To see a murderer kill someone in your dream foretells sadness caused by the misdeeds of others. To dream that you are killed or being pursued by a murderer, foretells that enemies are working against you.

Self-Defense
If you defended yourself in your dream, you should avoid forcing any important issues for the time being, as someone you count on for support could suddenly fail you. Also see “Martial Arts”

Shot
If you dream of shooting someone with a gun, your reputation is going to suffer in some way. If you get shot, you will be annoyed by a nasty person. If you hear the sound of shooting in your dream, this means that selfishness will be the cause of unhappiness between you and someone you love. Also see “Gun”.

Gun
To dream about a gun may mean you feel pressured by a male person in your life. It can also represent anxiety and the need for protection. Also see “Shot”.

Chase / Chasing
Being chased in a dream means you are avoiding facing a threatening situation in real life.

Relatives
If you dream of a family member trying to hurt or kill you, this reflects your anxiety over your real-life relationship with this person. They may have been behaving in an embarrassing or emotionally hurtful way toward you. Also see “Family.”

Family
If you dream about your family, it may be a way for your mind to express feelings and concerns about your real faimly that you could not express in daily life. Some believe that this dream usually has nothing to do with your actual family members, but rather the male and female sides of your own personality or self. So in a dream, your father may represent your expressive and protective aspects, while your mother could stand for your receptive and nurturing side. If family members behave very differently in a dream than they do in real life, or if unexpected things happen when you are with your dream family, the dream is probably a way of releasing your anxiety about real-life family issues. For instance, if you dream of a family member trying to hurt or kill you, it reflects a real-life concern about this person. They are acting in a way that hurts you, or threatens your emotional happiness.

Running
Running in a dream suggests that you are feeling trapped or pressured in a real life relationship. It can also mean you feel stressed by school or work. Also see the “Running” explanations below, and also see “Track.”

Quarter
If you dreamed of quarters (the coin), you will receive unexpected gains but they will come with responsibility. Make sure you act in accordance with your inner values!

When Tomorrow Starts Without me…

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I’m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me:

I wish you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too:

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand.

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I’d have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I’d say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, “This is eternity.
And all I’ve promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day’s the same way
There’s no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things

You knew you shouldn’t do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?”

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don’t think we’re far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart.

Author Unknown_______________________________

I found this poem on line today and it touched me. I thought I would share it with you all. It is especially fitting today. Today is Veterans Day and it brings me memories of my uncle who passed away this year, he was a Veteran. I thought I would share it with you all in case any one has experienced any recent losses of a loved one, or may be losing one slowly, like we lost my uncle.

Last Night I Drowned in my Sleep…

I had a dream last night that I was picnicking at a park with my family. We were sitting on an embankment of a lake. My husband had taken the kids canoeing. The lake was surrounded by trees. And the water in the lake, was murky and brown, as if it were muddy. My husband came out of the canoe, but I think he left something in the canoe that I wanted to reach over and pull out. So I walked to the edge and reached over and somehow I fell in. All of a sudden I was surrounded by the water. And it was so murky, I could feel myself falling. I could hear my aunt screaming that I had fallen in telling my husband to save me, but he didn’t come. I looked around to save myself. I had to find the light and swim in the direction of the light, but the light was below me and I was confused. I was suspended. I wasn’t sure if I was upside down or not. I was surprisingly calm especially when I realized that I could breathe shallowly in the water. But it came to me then that I was going to die. And I relaxed and let myself go.

The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and I was still breathing shallowly, I had awoken from the dream in the bed in my room at my mother’s house. It was my old bed and it was positioned where it was probably about 15 years ago when I was living there. And I realized I was okay. So I got up and left and went to visit an old friend. While I was at her house, I had set up my art collection on a series of shelves. It’s a collection that I don’t even own, but I did in my dream and I was proud of it. But my friend was disgusted by it. She felt it was pornography of some sort and didn’t want to see it. I remember being surprised, and embarrassed, so I gathered all of it together to put away. I don’t remember what was in the collection, except for one doll head. The kind that stands up on the table and you can brush their hair. Later, I woke up and remembered the dream and thought how odd it was that I accepted death in my dream, only to wake up from the dream (in my dream and realize it was a dream) and continue dreaming. So weird. Anyhow, I looked up certain things from the dream dictionary and put them here, the ones that were petinent to my dream. It’s crazy, but I think all the answers are here in what I found in the dream dictionary. What do you think this means?

Canoe
To see or sit in a canoe in your dream represents serenity, simplicity and independence. It is also a reflection of your emotional balance. You are moving ahead thanks to your own power and determination.


Drowning
Drowning in a dream signifies you can no longer hide your feelings about a certain situation. These dreams usually occur when the dreamer is feeling overwhelmed in real life.

Death
Dreams about death are not necessarily bad omens, but they usually represent anxious or angry feelings. To dream of your own death is actually positive – it means renewal and letting go of an old stage of life. This is also a common dream when you are getting over an illness – and it’s a good sign that you are getting better. However, if you dream that you are dying slowly, you need to drastically change your routine and reenergize your life.

Water
Water is the universal symbol for emotions. How water looks and behaves in a dream is very significant. Here are some meanings for different water dreams: Rising water indicates rising emotions. Turbulent, choppy waters, in which a dreamer fears being swamped or drowning, symbolizes that you are being overwhelmed emotionally. Cloudy water suggests lack of emotional clarity. If you dream that you are able to breathe underwater, you are open to unconscious feelings and psychic awarenesses.

Lake
To see a lake in your dream signifies your emotional state of mind. If the lake is clear and calm, it symbolizes your inner peace. If the lake is disturbed and wavy, then you may be going through some emotional turmoil.

Trees
Lush green trees in your dreams symbolize new hopes, growth and desires.

Rescue
Being rescued from danger in a dream means you may need to end an unhealthy relationship or situation in your life

Waking Up
If you dream of waking up while still dreaming, you have a creative nature and are open to new ideas.

Doll
Dreaming of a doll means someone is being dishonest with you in real life.

Doll House
To see or play with a dollhouse in your dream symbolizes your idealistic notions about family life. Alternatively, the dollhouse in your dream may mean that your mind is trying to solve and work out waking problems with family members as you sleep

Pornography
Often, this dream is also symbolic of your fear about exposing some aspect of yourself. For all dreams involving pornography: if your dream was upsetting or unpleasant in any way, it signifies that you need to feel more in control of your own sexuality and romantic life. Don’t let yourself be pressured by any person or by society.

Entitlement Strike

Yesterday as I was sweeping the kitchen floor for the second time in the day, I glanced over at the kitchen window. The kitchen curtain had fallen down nearly a week earlier and my husband still hadn’t hung it back up. Anger pulsed through me as I continued to clean and then a thought came to mind. So clear it was if I was watching TV. I saw myself getting up on the step ladder to fix it myself, and because I wasn’t tall enough to reach the top, I pushed on it, lost my footing and slipped, I crashed through the huge kitchen window on to the driveway below. My body mangled with the curtain beneath me as I lay dead. A feeling of satisfaction crept through me as I imagined my husband rushing to the window and seeing my dead body below and being riddled with guilt. He saw the curtain and knew what had happened. It was all his fault. But too little, too late because I was gone. If only he had hung the curtain the day it fell instead of leaving it there. If only…..

This fantasy, although odd, is not the only one that I have ever had of this kind. I sometimes revel in the thought of what he would do after I’m gone. As I finished the day dream and continued sweeping, it dawned on me how strange the fantasy might really be. To kill yourself off in daydreams? Daydreaming of being dead??? Does anyone else do this or is it just me?? I meant it’s not like this was the first time that this thought has ever crossed my mine. I frequently envision different scenarios of my own death. And nothing ever suicidal mind you, but always caused inadvertently by someone else. Earlier in the day even, I had imagined myself tripping over my son’s sandals which were thrown at the top of the stairs as I was carrying a huge bag of laundry down to the basement. I imagined myself falling down the stairs and of course being dead at the bottom. How long would it take my husband to find me I wondered?

I’ve killed myself off in a variety of ways, I’ve been smashed in a car wrecks, attacked and killed by intruders, fallen through windows, down stairs, choked on food, had a heart attack, all ending in my own death. So odd and grotesque that I have these day dreams. All of them my own sweet personal revenge for not doing something or another. For not helping me enough, not doing enough, and me doing too much. What exactly do I want him to do you’re probably asking so that I can stop killing myself off in daydreams? Well, maybe cleaning the kitchen every once in a while for starters. Taking down the laundry, or putting away the clean laundry. Hey I’d be thrilled if he put HIS own laundry away!! Yes, he doesn’t even do that.

I’m just bone tired. I work 40 hours a week and commute 10 hours a week in a car with no A/C. Nope, none! I get home to cook, clean and wash and I’m in bed every night by 11:30pm on a GOOD night and all the while he’s just sitting on his butt watching TV. As if his male anatomy has entitled him to a life of being king and my female anatomy has entitled me to a lifetime of servitude. Like I said, I’m tired. Amazing how little things like not helping out around the house can kill even the strongest libidos.

My husband tells me, “well I don’t ask you to cook for me so why should I clean up the kitchen?” Are you kidding me? And when I DON’T cook he starts complaining that he has a headache and he hasn’t eaten all day. So that’s his excuse when I do cook for not cleaning, that he didn’t ask me to do it. When he cooks (which rarely happens), I better clean because he cooked. When I don’t cook and there’s dishes in the sink, he tells me “well you didn’t cook for me so I’m not cleaning up that mess!”. Either way around, it’s always ME cleaning up.

Anyhow, like I said. I’m tired. I’m going on a cooking strike. Good bye home cooked meals! Hello oodles n noodles, Mac n Cheese, hot dogs, Chef Boyardee, chicken nuggets on paper plates with plastic utensils. Cause Mama is all tired out.

The truth hurts…

Why do some people feel that they have the right to hurt your feelings in the name of telling you the truth? Have you ever had a friend like this. One who had no regard for others and just went about tellling everyone whatever came to their minds because it was their right and they were being honest and truthful?? They say they are your friend and then turn around and spit fire at you with their mouths. Throwing salt on top of open wounds. Is it really necessary? And how much of a friend are you to say things that you know are going to intentionally hurt me? I’m beginning to wonder if I shouldn’t just crazy glue my lips together permanently. Just walk around with my lips welded together. So that no one will have any cause for giving me their honest opinion of me and what I do with MY life. Yes, MY life. MY choices. MY mistakes. Not YOURS. You can do what you want to do with YOUR life. Be as honest as you want. REAL friends CARE about you and how you feel and don’t just drop bombs on you just BECAUSE it’s the TRUTH and it has to be spoken.

REALITY CHECK all you honest people out there.. the truth does not have to be spoken. ESPECIALLY if it is the truth from YOUR point of view AND it’s going to hurt your friends feelings. In the end your callous tongue is going to be flapping at yourself when you find yourself all alone because all of your “friends” have just disappeared.

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