Hopes meet reality…

Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She spent her days locked in her room, reading book after book to escape into worlds unknown to her, and finding freedom within their smooth pages. She knew little of jumping rope and using hula hoops, her coordination limiting her in those regards. What she knew of was books, and dreams and hopes of one day being something different. Being a “grown up” seemed to be the golden key. The door that would open endless possibilities and happinesses. No more being told what to do. No more scrubbing floors and meaningless chores. No more being different, an outsider. She would automatically belong. She’d marry her Prince Charming and they would live happily ever after.

Well, about 25 years ago, I was that little girl with all of hopes for life laying before me. I never did get that golden key. And merely exchanged difficulties of childhood (as I saw them) to newfound difficulties of adulthood, motherhood and the like. Once upon a time, I thought my life would be perfect and it has been far from that. So this is who I am still at heart, just a little girl snuggled in the corner of my bed reading books and waiting for my life to begin.

Last Night I Drowned in my Sleep…

I had a dream last night that I was picnicking at a park with my family. We were sitting on an embankment of a lake. My husband had taken the kids canoeing. The lake was surrounded by trees. And the water in the lake, was murky and brown, as if it were muddy. My husband came out of the canoe, but I think he left something in the canoe that I wanted to reach over and pull out. So I walked to the edge and reached over and somehow I fell in. All of a sudden I was surrounded by the water. And it was so murky, I could feel myself falling. I could hear my aunt screaming that I had fallen in telling my husband to save me, but he didn’t come. I looked around to save myself. I had to find the light and swim in the direction of the light, but the light was below me and I was confused. I was suspended. I wasn’t sure if I was upside down or not. I was surprisingly calm especially when I realized that I could breathe shallowly in the water. But it came to me then that I was going to die. And I relaxed and let myself go.

The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and I was still breathing shallowly, I had awoken from the dream in the bed in my room at my mother’s house. It was my old bed and it was positioned where it was probably about 15 years ago when I was living there. And I realized I was okay. So I got up and left and went to visit an old friend. While I was at her house, I had set up my art collection on a series of shelves. It’s a collection that I don’t even own, but I did in my dream and I was proud of it. But my friend was disgusted by it. She felt it was pornography of some sort and didn’t want to see it. I remember being surprised, and embarrassed, so I gathered all of it together to put away. I don’t remember what was in the collection, except for one doll head. The kind that stands up on the table and you can brush their hair. Later, I woke up and remembered the dream and thought how odd it was that I accepted death in my dream, only to wake up from the dream (in my dream and realize it was a dream) and continue dreaming. So weird. Anyhow, I looked up certain things from the dream dictionary and put them here, the ones that were petinent to my dream. It’s crazy, but I think all the answers are here in what I found in the dream dictionary. What do you think this means?

Canoe
To see or sit in a canoe in your dream represents serenity, simplicity and independence. It is also a reflection of your emotional balance. You are moving ahead thanks to your own power and determination.


Drowning
Drowning in a dream signifies you can no longer hide your feelings about a certain situation. These dreams usually occur when the dreamer is feeling overwhelmed in real life.

Death
Dreams about death are not necessarily bad omens, but they usually represent anxious or angry feelings. To dream of your own death is actually positive – it means renewal and letting go of an old stage of life. This is also a common dream when you are getting over an illness – and it’s a good sign that you are getting better. However, if you dream that you are dying slowly, you need to drastically change your routine and reenergize your life.

Water
Water is the universal symbol for emotions. How water looks and behaves in a dream is very significant. Here are some meanings for different water dreams: Rising water indicates rising emotions. Turbulent, choppy waters, in which a dreamer fears being swamped or drowning, symbolizes that you are being overwhelmed emotionally. Cloudy water suggests lack of emotional clarity. If you dream that you are able to breathe underwater, you are open to unconscious feelings and psychic awarenesses.

Lake
To see a lake in your dream signifies your emotional state of mind. If the lake is clear and calm, it symbolizes your inner peace. If the lake is disturbed and wavy, then you may be going through some emotional turmoil.

Trees
Lush green trees in your dreams symbolize new hopes, growth and desires.

Rescue
Being rescued from danger in a dream means you may need to end an unhealthy relationship or situation in your life

Waking Up
If you dream of waking up while still dreaming, you have a creative nature and are open to new ideas.

Doll
Dreaming of a doll means someone is being dishonest with you in real life.

Doll House
To see or play with a dollhouse in your dream symbolizes your idealistic notions about family life. Alternatively, the dollhouse in your dream may mean that your mind is trying to solve and work out waking problems with family members as you sleep

Pornography
Often, this dream is also symbolic of your fear about exposing some aspect of yourself. For all dreams involving pornography: if your dream was upsetting or unpleasant in any way, it signifies that you need to feel more in control of your own sexuality and romantic life. Don’t let yourself be pressured by any person or by society.

Being Selfish…

I miss my life from a long time ago. My life before I had kids and got married. I miss that life. Lazy mornings of uninterrupted sleep. Days and nights disappeared while I rushed through finishing books that I couldn’t put down. Late nights with friends. Dancing until dawn. Drinking until my head would pound in the morning and force me to sleep even more. Weekly trips to the beauty and tanning salons. My nails were always freshly manicured. My life was about me. ..
Now, things are different. It’s trips to the barber shop that I have to schedule now. And little nails on 3 sets of hands that I have to gently cut. Sunblock with 50 SPF instead of suntan oil. And books that are chosen by my little ones for bedtime reading. Instead of dancing at the club, we dance in the kitchen while I’m making dinner. Hangovers? Things of the past, you don’t get those from drinking too much water and juice.

I wouldn’t trade it all in for anything. Because one day, my little ones that need so much from me now, one day they’ll spread their little wings and fly the nest and they won’t come back, because they’ll be too busy building their own nests and starting their own lives. And when that happens, I (ME) I will be back. My life will be about me again. But it won’t be the same as when I was young and my life was all about me. It will be different somehow. Too quiet. Too empty. Like a house that is a home one day and the next if the family moves out and takes everything, it’s different. The walls echo when words are spoken within them. No longer is it a warm place, but a hollow shell of what once was, it’s just a house. Oh sure, my nails and my hair will be done, but no one will be around to wake me up in the morning. And cuddle in next to me in bed. There will be no little boys standing around idly rubbing my back while I pick up a broken glass and when I ask what they’re doing telling me “I’m just rubbing your back Mami cause I love you”.

So yeah, I guess I do miss the simpler selfish days of old, but one day, I’m going too miss these days oh so much more than those. Because these, although they are so crazy and filled with so much constant commotion and demands, these are days that will hold me while I’m old and alone at night. I’ll look at the photos and I’ll remember it all. The sounds. The smells. The laughter. The love… And then I think one day all of the lonliness of my selfish existence will be erased when my little grandchildren wallk through my door and directly into my heart. Oh, Lord, I just pray their not as bad as my kids are!! But you know, I think maybe I won’t even mind.

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