Reincarnated for love…

Have you ever thought that maybe you lived another life before this one? You, but a different you? In a different place, different time, different situations..? I’ve always been intrigued by the concept of reincarnation. Did I ever have another life before this one? If so, what was it? What was I like? Who was I? Was a man? Was I a woman? Well, I have certain fears in this life that are really unfounded, so maybe it could be related to another life right? My fear of the dark and being attacked? Could that be a memory of a past trauma? Anyhow, so today I get on this kick that I’m going to research this whole theory. So I spent a little time on it and read some other people’s memories of past lives. It was very interesting. And I did a search and there are some groups on facebook that are devoted to the subject. The whole purpose of reincarnation, I think is to keep on developing spiritually. If you mess up with something in one life, in the next you might have to be on the other side of the coin to learn from a different perspective. The abuser becomes the abused and so on. Until eventually maybe you earn the right of heaven? Not sure, but it led me to wonder, how could any possible lives that I might have had correlate with my life now? And I think I’ve come up with it. In this life, I’ve been given the cross to bear of unrequited love. So I guess in another life I must have been a womanizer and really broken some hearts. Cause this life, I’ve really gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to love.

a hole

Shattered memories.
Glimpses of the past as we make love
Silent stares
Endless silence
Confusion
Love untold
You kissing me
Me kissing you
You kissing her
Pieces of me slip away
Replaced by steel
You fuck me
I fuck you
You fuck her
I lie alone
Embracing you in my dreams
Once upon a time
Happily ever after you promised me
You promised ME
There is a hole in my chest
A burning hole
It shoots live fire through me
Your words burned in my mind forever
Your face so terrible
Who are you?
Where is he?
The man who promised me happilty ever after?
He’s gone
And now all I’m left with is a fucking hole
And words that run through my mind
If you would have known him then you would have believed too
Really believed.
eternity endured
Ever after is here and happily long gone.
pennies tarnish over time
At least I have my hole
I guess

Being Selfish…

I miss my life from a long time ago. My life before I had kids and got married. I miss that life. Lazy mornings of uninterrupted sleep. Days and nights disappeared while I rushed through finishing books that I couldn’t put down. Late nights with friends. Dancing until dawn. Drinking until my head would pound in the morning and force me to sleep even more. Weekly trips to the beauty and tanning salons. My nails were always freshly manicured. My life was about me. ..
Now, things are different. It’s trips to the barber shop that I have to schedule now. And little nails on 3 sets of hands that I have to gently cut. Sunblock with 50 SPF instead of suntan oil. And books that are chosen by my little ones for bedtime reading. Instead of dancing at the club, we dance in the kitchen while I’m making dinner. Hangovers? Things of the past, you don’t get those from drinking too much water and juice.

I wouldn’t trade it all in for anything. Because one day, my little ones that need so much from me now, one day they’ll spread their little wings and fly the nest and they won’t come back, because they’ll be too busy building their own nests and starting their own lives. And when that happens, I (ME) I will be back. My life will be about me again. But it won’t be the same as when I was young and my life was all about me. It will be different somehow. Too quiet. Too empty. Like a house that is a home one day and the next if the family moves out and takes everything, it’s different. The walls echo when words are spoken within them. No longer is it a warm place, but a hollow shell of what once was, it’s just a house. Oh sure, my nails and my hair will be done, but no one will be around to wake me up in the morning. And cuddle in next to me in bed. There will be no little boys standing around idly rubbing my back while I pick up a broken glass and when I ask what they’re doing telling me “I’m just rubbing your back Mami cause I love you”.

So yeah, I guess I do miss the simpler selfish days of old, but one day, I’m going too miss these days oh so much more than those. Because these, although they are so crazy and filled with so much constant commotion and demands, these are days that will hold me while I’m old and alone at night. I’ll look at the photos and I’ll remember it all. The sounds. The smells. The laughter. The love… And then I think one day all of the lonliness of my selfish existence will be erased when my little grandchildren wallk through my door and directly into my heart. Oh, Lord, I just pray their not as bad as my kids are!! But you know, I think maybe I won’t even mind.

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